Do Us All a Favor and Pre-Order

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Why is it that every time I go to a Gamestop I have the most miserable experience of my life? Its due to the people who populate the damn place. Honestly, if you don’t feel comfortable in low anxiety social situations then just stay home and stop making me feel like I need to delouse myself every time I go to the mall. I’m not asking you to branch out and break that low yielding comfort zone you’ve developed at the age of five. I’m only suggesting that your tamagotchi and Boba Fett pajamas would appreciate the company much more than I would…

I’m sick of loafers breathing on my neck in line, while holding a copy of the burning crusade and having a wet dream about a chalupa supreme. Order the game from your house, get it shipped or have your mother pick it up because she still lives with you. Stop sweating on me, stop touching yourself, stop quoting star trek to see if anyone chuckles and do us all a favor and go to the damn barbershop because there hasn’t been a single human being to get laid with a bowl cut in over a decade. Fuck, if the meek do inherit the earth then heaven must look like an internet gaming cafe.

Gamestop isn’t a book club. Don’t meander around the place pretending you don’t know every title thats come out since the Dreamcast released, don’t give me advice on the DS lite, don’t fog up the store’s windows having panic attacks about going back outside and don’t touch anything unless you’re going to buy it. I can see you, I can hear you, I can still smell you and I am judging you!

I swear I’m going to hire an army of strippers, to walk in there with me, just to watch the place part like the red sea of seventh grade dances. I’m going to bring in a half a dozen kickballs and observe a mass epileptic seizure occur. I’m going to announce a sale on Velcro shoes, at lady footlocker, just so I can buy my copy of R6V2 in peace. I don’t mind dorks, geeks or nerds but some of you, who frequent Gamestop, should have had their ancestors devoured by vicious predators during the beginning of time. Do me a favor and stay home, I enjoy leaving the house.